Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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