your thong is hanging out like whoa
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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