someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
