My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
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ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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