I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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