I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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