Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
