Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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