he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
