i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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