you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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