Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
