I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
