new low.... made out with someone while peeing
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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