her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
