can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
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