I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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