thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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