new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
