Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
