In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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