Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
