I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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