I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
