how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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