I just cut my nipple shaving
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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