it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
The best revenge is premature balding
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
