She's JV to your varsity
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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