I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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