i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
