For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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