i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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