1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
