Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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