Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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