I cannot find my penis.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dating After Heartbreak
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.