my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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