Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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