he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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