there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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