I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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