Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
