you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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