I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
