I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
