God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
