Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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