the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
