do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
