On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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