I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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