You're so nebulous sometimes
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
