I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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