Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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