Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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