So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
