Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
